A coachee told me that he was never angry. When you get angry, you show your weakness, he had learned. In our conversation I asked if he was ever annoyed or irritated by people. If his family members did not separate the garbage, he could get irritated. He just didn’t understand why they didn’t do it. I write “separated” and not divorce because he was in a divorce process and was looking to buy a home for himself.
The following session we are walking through the woods, I ask him how it had worked out with that house he wanted to buy. In a session with the two lawyers, his ex told me that she felt she was entitled to much more than they had previously agreed upon. Now that the alimony agreement was in question again, he could not buy the house. I responded understandingly, “Gee that sure was annoying wasn’t it? -‘well say that, this really was a perfect house for me, to pick up my life again. I also don’t understand why she suddenly went for it, I think she doesn’t like me’. ‘What happened to you when you realized that?’ I asked. ‘Well, I was surprised! And frustrated!’ His tone and expression speaks volumes. I ask, ‘I would imagine you could have been angry’. He says: ‘maybe I was angry yes’ I say” you would have wanted to scream for sure”. He says: ‘yes, I would have wanted to scream!’
We walk on, there is silence for a while. ‘Then we will scream now’ I say.
After some sputtering and looking around carefully to see if anyone sees us, it happens. I get ahead of him. A little later, he screams in full. First he screams for the sake of screaming, then the anger comes out with the sound as a discharge. After as many as ten screams, it is good. He smiles proudly and triumphantly.
The following session he tells me that he is now learning to listen to his own inner anger. He recognizes old anger that he has been holding back. He says he is learning to indicate to those around him that he has had enough. This was new for his environment.
My moral: primary emotions have a function. Being aware of your own angry, scared, happy or sad gives color and depth to your life. It makes you real. How you express that emotion is another story, but it is allowed to be there.